Words from a Widow with Young Children
I no longer have time. I no longer have hands.
What used to be fun now feels more like work and thats so bad. I remember the days when my weekends involved endless hours of playing with my daughter and husband, and weekdays involved looking forward to the moment that he came home so we could enjoy dinner together and play with our daughter for the rest of the night.
We used to go to bed at 1 or 2am, and now I am in bed by 9pm so I can wake up when my kids wake up. I have to take my kids to the car one-by-one because I am only one now. The car seat is so heavy, and I slowly walk with a limp as I carry it. Sometimes my daughter will run away like toddlers do when they are free. I remember the days when the silly things she would do were all fun. I remember when my husband and I would look at each other with big smiles when she would do something like knock over a glass or pull things off of a shelf. Now I am sometimes on the verge of crying because it just adds to my long lists of tasks I have to do. Sometimes I have to carry my 3-month-old son around as I do them all. I miss the days when my workload was not so heavy that the mischief she would get into would make me smile rather than wear me down.
I remember the days when one of us was busy the other one would help out. Now I have to try to make my daughter understand that mommy only has one set of hands. Sometimes she is crying at the top of her lungs, and I just have to watch her and feel guilty that I cannot be there for her at the moment she needs me because I have to feed her little brother. How do I get her juice when I am feeding him, and I can see just how close I am to having my hands free because he is almost asleep? I dont want to put him down to get her juice because if she would just wait one more minute he might fall asleep, and I will get the break that I really need.
Sometimes a friend comes into town, and I look forward to going out. If we go to a restaurant I see families together. I watch them have the life I used to have while I am sitting with a group of friends that dont have children and are ready for a party. Sometimes I am ready for a party now, but when the party happens it just reminds me of the early days I had with my husband before we were married. I try to find happiness in the moment, and I do. Yet things arent quite the same. I cant think to myself that Ill be home soon playing with my husband and daughter like we used to do. I cant look over my shoulder and see him smile at me as we glance at each other from afar. I cant call him and say Ill be home in just a little while.
Sometimes I really want to go eat out like we used to. I want to eat out right that minute. So I make a phone call to schedule dinner with friends sometime later in the week or maybe even the next week. There is no more spontaneity, and even if there was it would never change the fact that I am alone.
I dont want anyone else, but I dont want to be alone. I dont want to think that at the age of 25 I will never again have that kind of love again, but I dont want to even imagine having that love with someone else. How can I have those very different feelings?
I have noticed that most people my age have already found someone they love. They are either married or in relationships, and if they arent, how many of them really want to marry someone that already has children.
Im always lonely. Nobody can make me feel any different because I lost my best friend. I lost the person that knew more about me than anyone in this world. I lost the person I cooked with, the person I ran errands with, the person I shopped with, the person I watched movies with, the person I took walks with, the person I worked out with, the person that called me 10 times a day to say hi, the person I called 10 times a day to say hi to, the person I came home to everyday, and the only other person that had the same kind of love that I have for my children.
What used to be fun now feels more like work and thats so bad. I remember the days when my weekends involved endless hours of playing with my daughter and husband, and weekdays involved looking forward to the moment that he came home so we could enjoy dinner together and play with our daughter for the rest of the night.
We used to go to bed at 1 or 2am, and now I am in bed by 9pm so I can wake up when my kids wake up. I have to take my kids to the car one-by-one because I am only one now. The car seat is so heavy, and I slowly walk with a limp as I carry it. Sometimes my daughter will run away like toddlers do when they are free. I remember the days when the silly things she would do were all fun. I remember when my husband and I would look at each other with big smiles when she would do something like knock over a glass or pull things off of a shelf. Now I am sometimes on the verge of crying because it just adds to my long lists of tasks I have to do. Sometimes I have to carry my 3-month-old son around as I do them all. I miss the days when my workload was not so heavy that the mischief she would get into would make me smile rather than wear me down.
I remember the days when one of us was busy the other one would help out. Now I have to try to make my daughter understand that mommy only has one set of hands. Sometimes she is crying at the top of her lungs, and I just have to watch her and feel guilty that I cannot be there for her at the moment she needs me because I have to feed her little brother. How do I get her juice when I am feeding him, and I can see just how close I am to having my hands free because he is almost asleep? I dont want to put him down to get her juice because if she would just wait one more minute he might fall asleep, and I will get the break that I really need.
Sometimes a friend comes into town, and I look forward to going out. If we go to a restaurant I see families together. I watch them have the life I used to have while I am sitting with a group of friends that dont have children and are ready for a party. Sometimes I am ready for a party now, but when the party happens it just reminds me of the early days I had with my husband before we were married. I try to find happiness in the moment, and I do. Yet things arent quite the same. I cant think to myself that Ill be home soon playing with my husband and daughter like we used to do. I cant look over my shoulder and see him smile at me as we glance at each other from afar. I cant call him and say Ill be home in just a little while.
Sometimes I really want to go eat out like we used to. I want to eat out right that minute. So I make a phone call to schedule dinner with friends sometime later in the week or maybe even the next week. There is no more spontaneity, and even if there was it would never change the fact that I am alone.
I dont want anyone else, but I dont want to be alone. I dont want to think that at the age of 25 I will never again have that kind of love again, but I dont want to even imagine having that love with someone else. How can I have those very different feelings?
I have noticed that most people my age have already found someone they love. They are either married or in relationships, and if they arent, how many of them really want to marry someone that already has children.
Im always lonely. Nobody can make me feel any different because I lost my best friend. I lost the person that knew more about me than anyone in this world. I lost the person I cooked with, the person I ran errands with, the person I shopped with, the person I watched movies with, the person I took walks with, the person I worked out with, the person that called me 10 times a day to say hi, the person I called 10 times a day to say hi to, the person I came home to everyday, and the only other person that had the same kind of love that I have for my children.